Anxiety attack

nxiety slams its foot
On the hearts gas peddle
cackling and cranking that radio full blast
until the bassline beats and bruises the ribs
speeds exceed 60 mph, 90mph, 120 mph
you'd never imagine this type off full throttle.
There you are in the passenger seat fucking helpless while the throat
slams shut like a vault
and whats trapped inside is:
worry, money, low self esteem, pain, lost love, problems, scars, monotony, depression, fatigue, need, broken trust, false promises, suicide, and you are
a vessel of rot, gloom, and darkness trapped, strapped in next to anxiety
a speed demon sucking down newports as wrecklessly as the heart beats whie the head loses grip around of twists and turns until those cliff hugging roads
start to look appealing...
and all of a sudden anxiety is hauling you screaming to the fucking edge, it never used to be like this, and you're reduced to popping little pills that dissolve fast enough to slow down the feeling of flying and dying and then you're reduced to remembering the days when life was simple, when you were ten years old, laying in the sunshine sucking the nectar out of deep purple lilac blossoms, and it was the sweetest taste in the entire world.

Paralyzed

Abandoned, Trapped, and Alone-
Heart beats slow
Second guess my sanity,
Life- a condemned apartment
all I feel- the tickle of cockroaches
scuttling across my toes,
watch the sun melt like candle wax
bleeding red, pink, purple, until
the sky drools black like a leaking ink pen
depression is as redundant and frequent as a pulse:
turn the bath water on cold
Cement myself to rock bottom
and do nothing as I lose my breath.

I finally wrote a poem about Samuel (magazine poetry)

The limit

The facts:
Turn back the hands of time-
a naked moment-
bad judgement.
Battlefield:
Your hypnotizing hold
curiously strong
Dark blooms in every story,
in every issue,
but change is my mission
because
with every step
love fades and dies in the horizon
and you will always be-
transparent: a sociopath inspired by evil
and I, well imagine me with all of my strength:
shine, clarity, and life-
Pictures are perfect.

Lonely

Loneliness feels like-
Being trapped under the landslide:
The crash
The weight
The wait
The silence.
Suffocation steals my voice-
cannot cry
cannot yell
cannot call your name.
Instead I lay and wade
between unconcious and dreaming
Aware that I need you-
please pull me from the wreck.
Days pass
weeks pass-
You the non-existent angel never
pop from the sky and
darkness sucks me in
unnoticed.

Lightening

Pull the skin
back from my wrist
stunned
watch my
open veins
beat beat beat
under the black
sky
contemplate
the blood
loss
the loss
the struggle
the chill
my body is
a well
and i am
alive

Last night

Paranoia..you're curled in fetal position on the floor
I'm on the phone
it's three a.m.
I'm flicking pennies in a well-
Just for you.
Please stand up, all on your own, for good.
But maybe I'm wishing for me, because its so sad
to watch drugs get this bad.
I sit in the dark...
I know your neck is laid across the tracks
waiting for the next train to death.
I flinch-
this is forever.

People like pretty poetry

Dissolve the miles between us-
Kiss my lips pink
again and again.
Stand next to me-
Stop those incessant fantasies.
Make your prescence my reality.
Feed me a new tale with those
brown eyes-
I want different colors in my
dripping skies.
Keep me safe-
cupped in your large milky hands,
Still bleeding-
I can't take another crack to the heart
Hold me tight with your laughter
while i fall asleep at night
But dont wake me
Because I'm in love and dreaming of all of these lies.

Eyes half closed

The vibe feels different...
an unappealing glow
A single candle illuminates
The dust of a forgotten room
Walls pulse under the flick of the flame
Otherwise-
Empty, hollow, the sound of still
Where did you go?
The silk of the sheet underneath my neck
feels like your skin.
I have this solitude all to myself-
Tell me why I still tug the ropes
pull and pull- hands raw
from friction
when all i have left is
thick air...
All i asked you for was time.

I spend too much time alone

Destruction:
Sunset pops.
Sky holds the fragments:
Purple, Red, Grey.
Later the stars will shoot and snap the
black night.
And I will snap
and burst
and crumble to the summer pavement.
The Moon will watch
pedestrians step on my remains-
my soul will break over concrete
and my pulse will be lost
in the sound of stomping feet.
Tell me-
if you saw me deconstructed,
would you put the pieceS back together?

NANA

Kneeling
Screaming in the sands
I picture the patterns of liver spots
That littered your hands
I remember the touch of your
Tissue paper skin
And I can’t believe its gone
You mothered me in the way
The ocean soothes broken bottles
Into smooth sea glass-
Sometimes clear, green, purple, and blue.
Now I cry, with my feet in the icy tide
Because this is a loss I just can’t process.
Your prescence was warm, it glowed
And was stable.
Where did you go?
Had you like the sky has the sun.
But the sky always loses the sun to gain the moon-
And i get to see you in the stars.

Standing under and umbrella in my apartment

ecause rain clouds follow me,
black cats pur at my feet,
I'm staring into a broken mirror-
[who are you?]
Got an abyss in my chest-
its swallowing me whole and
I bet the after taste stings
because my only feeling left is
bitter.
From now on I'm taking the mean route,
Last time I got off the exit towards love
Had a head on collision and I was totaled.
And there's no repair for this type of damage,
heart has collapsed, mind caved in.
You don't own me, but you sure did wreck me.
Now I'm racking my brain....
How did the light in my eyes die?

Short comings

I'll look you in the iris
and tell you there's nothing left.
Smell the gasoline that still stings the air
Even though my soul has long disappeared.
Watch you trip over cracks in pavement-Can't save you-
So throw another match to the ground-
Can't blame you,
Try to ignite some flame of hope
between my lips
but I'm empty, I'm gone-
I'm not even breathing,
The hollow space between my ribs is void of beating
echos
I'm just a figment of your imagination.

unsatisfied

A queen without her crown
black widow
searching for her feed
unsatisfied it seems
death has already racked your veins
like trying to light wet matches
no flash, so spark, exists
the dullness Is maddening
a stench your eyes rolled back
spread my feathers like
a vain peacock
im too good for you pretty boy
Im too good for this.

My everything

Loyal lion
basking in the sunlight
your mane a buttery gold
and I feel so small next to you
a tiny butterfly purple and blue
like bruises
constantly hovering and fluttering
occaisonally resting on your broad shoulders
I am so conspicuous
and you are so powerful
but never baring those sharp teeth
always protecting me -
leading me like a king.

gone

n this bedroom we shared
Empy the clip
and still feel nothing but anguish
hand through the door
knuckles bleeding
screaming
but when you left
loss was sharp
vodka in the belly
cigarette hanging from a dry lip
theres no cure for you
no remedy for
the constant need of you next
to me
warm, smooth, and strong
now your abscence feels like death
and I have fallen to pieces.

Insomnia

v1 Its been days since I last slept
Eyes bloodshot and wide open
Stress racks my veins
and insomnia is my secret love potion
v2 The demons run rampant seeding indestructible thoughts
Maybe I need you to release me
wired my brain is in knots
chorus Sleeplessness has me chained to the bed
Fucking with my tired head
Like a dominant lover misbehaving
Lashed by this storm I'm braving
v3 Dear prince charming give me stability and ease
im chocking on the word lonely
be my pill dispenser and fill my sexual needs
v4 I'm just a damsel in distress
I've been treading water for too long
Please pull me from the waves
I'm another victim of insomnia's love song.

Domestic violence

Gagged by mid summer humidity,
Sweat beats dance around the hairline
But still angelic I stand
In front of you I seem so fragile
An oragami swan-
No feathers, no flight
No fight
Neck is caught in your ten finger vice grip
and all of your might asphyxiates me
while half heartedly drag nails down your buttery forearms
my eyes plead with your brown eyes
choke out words of reason
but I'm in the hands of a monster
I always knew you were the means to my end
if only you knew I was playing dead.

little devils

show your horns!
Drama unlike any other-
take advantage
men can't resist-
your genes
fearless, nude, delicious:
fadeproof.

the attraction

spend my days thinking of
the tip of your finger pressed to my bottom lip
the drip of blood
your name in the air
my teeth gently on your jugular
being tied to you is
enticing and suffocating
like drowing
like trees killing their leaves
like fireworks
never know when you or i will explode
but its definite
organized chaos feeding off the drama
its freedom
its lust
its every waterfall stored in your mind
my bed is cold
Sleep is interrupted
dreams fragmented and bleak
its me
its my lungs
its my pulse
I'm broken and clinging to the good in you
please come back
i miss you
i miss you
i miss you

Over

I just wanna stitch the memories of you together-
jigsaw puzzle
lock the pieces in
get the picture back
my heart in my hands
blood spills between my fingers
staining the ground and painting my toes
desperate
I snap the stars in half
but there is no spark
break my bones but there is no wish
stumble and fall into the abuse but there is no love
the rot of these lies stings my nose
muscles ache, tear ducts are dry, and I am fatigued
waving the white flag and I set myself free.